Self-Hate: Returning To Love
This is such a raw subject for me but one I want to talk about more because I don’t feel there is enough support for those who deal with it so it can feel isolating. I also don’t feel there is enough awareness for those who want to try and understand what someone who suffers with it may be going through, as it can really effect the way people go through life and relationships. Most people will relate to experiencing a critical inner voice as unfortunately its very common. However, when you experience it intensely it can take over every waking thought and shape your entire life.
My own journey with self-hatred has been so deep and intense and although I am so grateful to have come through the other side I still deal with the residue, but luckily the tools I have learned along the way help me move through it. I was filled with self-loathe for as long as I can remember and it was crippling at times. I feel I could write a book about my experience so can only scratch the surface here. I carried shame for simply being me. I always felt indifferent like there was something wrong with me. The shame was so deep that I couldn’t even talk about it. I remember if friends ever talked about their appearance for example, I would shut down because I was too ashamed to even speak about how I felt about myself. It was too much of a trigger to my own wounds that were not being faced.
When I had a spiritual awakening and found my calling to be in healing service around 8 years ago, I eventually came fully away from alcohol and drugs and it’s like all of the stuff I had been suppressing had a chance to come up to the surface. I came off the contraceptive pill in 2012 because I didn’t want anything unnatural in my body, and I have been off ever since. In those years after first coming off the pill I went into a peak of darkness. I was catapulted into all of the stuff that had been building up in my womb space. All of the emotions I had suppressed. All of the abuse I had given to myself. All of the pain I had never processed from my childhood. My body went into shock. Acne. Hair loss. Insomnia. Depression. I didn’t know what to do with the pain it ran so deeply but I knew it was time to face it.
I’ve been on a deep healing journey ever since and in the last couple of years I have gone through such a profound transformation. I used to say to myself “One day I will be able to get through this pain and I will help others do the same” and I still can’t believe I am at that place now. I know the depth of the places I have been to within myself only means I can meet others there too. I know my greatest struggles have been my greatest gifts so I am truly grateful for it ALL.
If you harbour self-loathe and it feels overwhelming, please know that there is a way out of it. Please know that you already have everything you need inside of you to move through this. Sometimes the only way to heal is to feel, so if you are numbing pain or suppressing it, please think about how you can begin to let it come up to the surface safely. Give it a voice. Call in support. You are not alone. There are many reasons why we may carry such a deep sense of self-hate and low self worth and often the source will be unprocessed pain and trauma whether from this lifetime or ancestral.
My wounds also manifested physically because I am very sensitive. So I suffered with acne from a very young age and it only got worse as I got older and the wounds got wider and deeper. Ironically having acne only added to the way I felt about myself, pushing me more into it. This is a whole other subject though which I will share soon as I know the pain that can come from acne and any physical manifestation in whatever form it may be, can be so intense. I want to share some things I learned about healing from the inside, the only real way to truly transmute these manifestations from our being.
Just want to send pure love to all those who are suffering. I pray that you remember your true essence. I pray that you see the beauty in yourself that others see in you. I pray that you recognise the light you see in others is the same light that you hold within you ✨